Skip navigation

Cheney Pitching

Oh, Cheney. Now you can’t even go to a baseball game without being booed.

Perhaps it has to do with your failed administration or how you misused intelligence to take us to war or how you destabilized the Middle East. But I think it is more about image. Really, what you need is a new look. I have compiled a short list to help you get started:

  1. Stop hunting doves. No one likes it when you fill a symbol of their God full of birdshot.
  2. Stop hunting lawyers. While people don’t like lawyers, you’re not allowed to shoot them.
  3. Smile. And not that facial contortion where you fold up one side of your top lip. Let’s shoot try for a little more Sean Connery and a little less Dr. Evil.
  4. Carry a puppy. This is all the rage in Hollywood. Simply carry a small cute puppy (alive) with you at all times. That way, if your new smile doesn’t work, people will still find the animal adorable and assume you’re a sensitive guy for having such a charming pet.
  5. Eat cheerios… At least when people are watching. That way, it will look like your failing heart is kept beating by good nutrition, not some dark unspeakable force.
  6. Wear bright colors. Black might work well for the whole Darth Vader thing, but it kind of puts people off. Perhaps a nice pink cardigan with some white trousers.
  7. Hang out with Bono. Hey, it worked for Bush.

One Comment

    • Larry Brennan
    • Posted April 14, 2006 at 11:50 am
    • Permalink

    That’s my son!!! You go guy!!!!

Comments are closed.