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Monthly Archives: April 2006

Cheney Pitching

Oh, Cheney. Now you can’t even go to a baseball game without being booed.

Perhaps it has to do with your failed administration or how you misused intelligence to take us to war or how you destabilized the Middle East. But I think it is more about image. Really, what you need is a new look. I have compiled a short list to help you get started:

  1. Stop hunting doves. No one likes it when you fill a symbol of their God full of birdshot.
  2. Stop hunting lawyers. While people don’t like lawyers, you’re not allowed to shoot them.
  3. Smile. And not that facial contortion where you fold up one side of your top lip. Let’s shoot try for a little more Sean Connery and a little less Dr. Evil.
  4. Carry a puppy. This is all the rage in Hollywood. Simply carry a small cute puppy (alive) with you at all times. That way, if your new smile doesn’t work, people will still find the animal adorable and assume you’re a sensitive guy for having such a charming pet.
  5. Eat cheerios… At least when people are watching. That way, it will look like your failing heart is kept beating by good nutrition, not some dark unspeakable force.
  6. Wear bright colors. Black might work well for the whole Darth Vader thing, but it kind of puts people off. Perhaps a nice pink cardigan with some white trousers.
  7. Hang out with Bono. Hey, it worked for Bush.

Prius Hybrid

While I think that hybrids are just a band-aid solution to bigger problem, I do believe that they increase people’s awareness of environmental issues. A recent poll by CNN/USA Today/Gallup found out that 48% of Americans drive less because of the high cost of gas. An even higher number, 54%, have cutback on buying household items for the same reason. Thus, it is no surprise that 57% of those surveyed said they would seriously consider buying a hybrid.

On another note, a Ford Executive stated that U.S. consumers would still buy SUVs if gas hit $4 a gallon. He left soon after to take those 12 people out to lunch.

Cool Shoelae Knot

Tired of tying your shoelaces the same old way: bunny goes under log, over the bridge, yada, yada, yada? Fret no more! Ian Fieggan has a wonderful site on fantastic new ways to secure those shoes and amaze your friends. (Disclaimer: Shoes are apparently required.)

True Lies

A couple of weeks ago, TPMMuckraker noticed a strange blog on called Grandma in Iraq that posts only upbeat and happy stories about Iraq. After a little investigative journalism (yes, some people still do that), TPMM found out that ‘Grandma’ was really a public affairs officer for the U.S. army.

The Cincinnati Enquirer (owner of, got bombarded with letters and e-mails. Within two days, they changed the top title of Suzanne ‘Grandma’ Fournier’s blog to show her true employment.

Suzanne’s defense? The Cincinnati Enquirer apparently published her role in previous installments of their newspaper. That of course makes it okay because every time I visit a new blog I search for the person’s name in every local paper to find out their real identity.

I guess the Enquirer apparently think journalism is about publishing what the government writes under false guises instead of, oh, I don’t know, asking questions, reporting, and the like.

Unicorn with Raibow

Because nothing you see is real.

Maybe other news addicts will understand. It’s a wasted day because tomorrow you find out that half of the stories that you read are false and the other half are deathly true, but you did not care because you thought they were pranks. It must be a great day for the police question whether or not an alligator really did escape from the zoo and ate one of ol’ Miss Robinson’s 157 cats.

Anyway, if you missed out on all of the tomfoolery, Wikipedia is has a pagefor all of the events that occurred today in all of their glory. Enjoy.